Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In Which Money Falls From My Ass

Bleary eyed and still half asleep, I'm standing in the shower enjoying the warm water falling on my head. Wakefulness is slow in coming this morning.

I'm pushing what's left of my hair back when I hear a metallic clink on the floor of the tub. Brow furrowed, I look down to see Roosevelt's wet silhouette looking sidelong at me.

That's weird, I think, as I nudge him to the back of the tub with my toe. What's a dime doing in the shower? I get on with my day and give the matter no more thought.

Two days later, it happens again. Clink! Lincoln this time. What's happening here? I look down and around. Another clink! Did a nickel just fall out of my ass? Nearly twisting my neck off, I strain round and see more money. Stuck to my ass.

It took a couple days and a few more lost coins, but I soon solved the mystery. I was coming home from work every afternoon exhausted. I would kick off my shoes as soon as I walked in and lay down for a much needed nap. In the process of turning over, all my change would fall out of my pockets and lay in wait for me.

At night, when I was going to bed for real, I would sleep in my boxer shorts, climbing into my cash-rich mattress. In the process of sleeping on top of the coins, they would adhere to my upper legs, back and ass, and reveal themselves in the shower in the morning.

Not long after this revelation I took to taking my naps on the living room couch instead. Poor Roosevelt...


Jon said...


Anonymous said...

"Hey, this guy is paying off!"

Sada said...

Dude, I have been there. Many times. Except I don't keep money in my pockets, so it's always a manfriend's coinage stuck to my ass. The former presidents really know how to latch on to a butt cheek. They're tenacious.