Friday, July 18, 2008

Knock Knock

Tweedle Dee: Knock Knock...

Tweedle Dum: Who's there?

Tweedle Dee: Attention Deficit Disorder.

Tweedle Dum: Attention Deficit Disorder who?

Tweedle Dee: I like ponies!

I really don't know if I made that up or heard it somewhere. If I did make it up, feel free to use my stupid knock knock joke.

My pal Genghis sent me this one:

Tweedle Dee: Knock Knock...

Tweedle Dum: Who's there?

Tweedle Dee: September 11th

Tweedle Dum: September 11th who?

Tweedle Dee: You said you'd never forget... :(

Okay, maybe I'm not the knock knock joke master-craftsman I think I am. So here's some pictures from my recent trip to NYC.

Keller and me at the Heavy Metal Bar. Despite the look on my face, I'm having a blast. That's my air-drumming face.

The 2008 Mermaid Parade at Coney Island.

My new Second Favorite Person Ever:

The girl sitting on the top front of the bus was gracious enough to show the crowd her vagina. Twice. Maybe more, but I was only lucky enough to see it twice.

Now, I love vagina and all, but I need to be prepared to see a vagina to appreciate it in all of its wonder and glory. Surprise vagina is just that: Surprising. Had she informed me in advance of the Vagina Show, I could appreciate it a little more, perhaps. As it was, I was a little grossed out. Sorry, ladies.

My new Favorite Person Ever:

Olafur Eliasson show at MoMA:

The wall of moss was very cool. If you turned your ear to it, it absorbed all the sound from the room. A creepy yet exciting experience:

The show continued at PS1:

I was stealthy enough to get a few shots of this piece:

I forget who this artist is, but this is the point at which I got yelled at for taking pictures:

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Series Of Sent Text Messages

5:43 pm: A photograph of a dead squirrel on the bikepath. He looks drunk.

9:17 am: A photograph of a man dressed in full Boston Celtics regalia being lead away by security at the Boston Municipal Courthouse. It was jury duty, and the Celtics had just won Game 1 of the Finals. Sent with this text: "[sic] this guy is drunk off his ass. a great way to avoid i guess. wish i had thought of that."

6:17 pm: A photograph of a man urinating on the platform of the Jackson Square orange line stop. Sent with this text: "nothing like taking a piss on the subway platform"

5:56 pm: A photograph of Cock Flavored Soup Mix.

11:12 am: "i done split my pants"

11:48 pm: "I have semi-colons;"

11:51 pm: " (o)(o) (_(_) "

7:58 pm: "fung wah fatality this morning..."

2:46 pm: "would it be too forward to invite myself?"

9:15 pm: "o.m.g. i will never ever have a child. details later."

4:30 pm: A photograph of a little yellow mushroom growing on one of my houseplants.

2:30 pm: "oh the benefits of having a foodie for a brother..."

2:40 pm: "omg i was just going thru my sent txts and stumbled upon my junk. lol."

2:34 pm: "let's just say i'll be getting that pony gold plated."

2:42 pm: "followed by a caviar bath"

2:45 pm: "i already bought canada, so... mine."

8:54 am: "im wanted in ct on $ laundering charges. id have to wear a fake moustache, itd just be weird. youre better off going without me."

3:10 pm: "yeah! lets blow something up* ***"

10:55 pm: "extra sexy panties?"

9:37 pm: "poor little tomato! what did he ever do to you???"

9:43 pm: "whoa.thats like, star wars deep..."

11:16 pm: "gtf outta here. no way."

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Big Baseball Weekend

By sheer luck, I was fortunate enough to be treated to a game at Fenway Park on friday night. Nancie's friend Kate knows the strength and conditioning trainer for the Baltimore Orioles, and he was able to provide us with four seats right behind homeplate. It was great! Going to Fenway is such a treat, what a venue to see a ballgame.

Afterward, the bunch of us went out for some drinks, to meet Jay and thank him for the tickets. What we didn't know until the last minute was that Jay was bringing the Baltimore third base coach, three-time All-Star Juan Samuel along! And guess what? Juan was the coolest guy! He talked to anyone about any aspect of the game, had a huge smile on his face the whole time (possibly because the ladies were all ga-ga over him). He even bought a few rounds of drinks, not that I needed any more.

Here's a picture of (l-r) Kate, Juan Samuel, Nancie, and me.

As you can see, the ladies can't keep their hands off Juan:

So at the end of the night, Juan says he can get Nancie and me a pair of tickets for tomorrow's game as well. I couldn't believe it. What an awesome guy! The seats were in the same section, and about 6 rows closer to the field. This night was a bit better to watch because the Sox won, actually, they clobbered the Orioles, and as a bonus, I captured my own footage of Kevin Youkilis hitting his first career grand slam:

Awesome. My thanks and sincere gratitude go out to Nancie, Kate, Jay, Juan, and the Baltimore Orioles.

Okay, So I'm wrong.

Nancie has a friend Meredith who works for the Mayor's office, and is a wealth of information regarding things like this. Her email reply to a query that Nancie sent regarding my bike-jacking went along these lines:

"there's a whole ordinance (city law) that protects light poles, traffic signals, street signs, etc. from things in the vandalism category (graffiti, destroying them, disabling them, etc.), and that includes locking bikes. It's kind of a one size fits all ordinance, so there's no gray area -- nothing may be affixed, permanent or temporary.

Of course, you never catch the guys who are vandalizing the poles, only the bikes that are attached . . .

My guess is that the locking bikes thing is only enforced in areas where the business owners want it to be. Technically, the sidewalk is City property, but business owners have what's called a site cleanliness plan which they are required to file and uphold -- having to do with sweeping the sidewalk and keeping private fixtures off it, etc.

I'd be interested to know who the person was who put the additional lock on the bike, and if there was a fine attached. . ."

And so it is, passed down from on high... I was wrong. I can admit when it happens, once every six or seven years. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it. So security guy, I apologize for calling you an asshole, however anonymously. Thanks to Nancie for taking up the cause and Meredith for her sage wisdom. But B+W: please put up some signage for the next poor dope who rides along.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I took the day off from work today because I had a doctor's appointment at the new Brigham and Womens Shapiro center . It's a beautiful building, and the artwork is surprisingly modern and interesting.

It was a lovely, cool morning, and I rode my bike because it's approximately five minutes from my house, parking is a nightmare on Longwood Ave, and I'm trying to exercise/downsize carbon emissions, whatever.

I locked my bike against a City of Boston standard issue traffic sign, andwhen I came out, was shocked to find this!

What the goddamn fuck??@? B+W Security had hijacked my bike! They chained my bike to the post along with a sign saying I had to call security to get it relinquished.

So I called the number (twice), and this fresh faced fella showed up.

He said something about a bike rack on adjacent streets, and that I should park there next time. That should have been obvious, as there was ample signage indicating where the bike rack was . (end sarcasm) So, as politely as I could I said, "Have a nice day, asshole," and rode away.

A few things to consider. If you notice in the picture, my bike is locked to a street sign, not to one of the fancy new light poles, which probably cost a lot and want to be maintained, and it's not locked to the handrail in the background. IF I had locked to either of these fixtures, I can totally understand B+W Security's actions. These things are obviously private property, shiny and new, and in the case of the handrail, a bike parked there could be seen as an impediment to public safety.

It's well known that bike theft is a huge problem, and a bike rack does little to deter this. Crowded in among several bikes, a thief will be able to work with less suspicion than on a single bike securely locked directly in front of a building. According to this site, Boston is the third worst city for bike theft. (The numbers might be a little dodgy there, but who cares? I want to keep my bike.)

So, I'm researching a little, got some wheels set in motion, as to the legality of this action. If Mayor Menino is suddenly such a bike enthusiast and is pushing really hard to make Boston more bike-friendly, surely bike security is a part of that plan. But I have a follow up appointment in three months at Shapiro, and I intend on parking in the same spot and bringing some tools with me to reclaim my ride.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Stuck Songs, and Shouts at the Shore

This song has been stuck in my head for four days:

I blame it on Mtv. In those days I was sharply crafted by its pulsating glow. If only the marketing machine that we know today had been so astute in those days. Perhaps I'd still be wearing Wayfarers and Jams.

Speaking of music, on the commute into work today, I settled on the Breeders version of "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" from the album "Pod". As I was listening, I thought to myself, "This sounds a lot like it was Steve Albini behind the boards."

Flash forward to this afternoon, and after consulting, my assertions were confirmed.

So the Beatles, too. Mixed in with Cyndi Lauper, my internal soundtrack today.

I've been riding my bike a lot more in the recent days. It's fun and a great way to get sweaty.

Yesterday, however, it was too friggin hot to think about getting into, so for my daily outdoor activity, I opted instead for a walk with my camera around Jamaica Pond.

As I found the path around the pond, I noticed two people talking about 100 yards in front of me. Knowing that this is a neighborhood where it's easy to run into people one knows, I didn't think much about it.
As I got nearer, the two went in different directions. The old man was now walking toward me. About 15 yards in front of me, he abruptly stopped and threw his hands in the air:

"Smile, for crying out loud!" As he shook his hands I noticed his ear lobes, which were abnormally long, shaking back and forth. I couldn't help but conjuring the word "labia".

"You look as if you're going to a wake!" he shouted at me. All I could do was say, "Perhaps I am..." Lame comeback.

As I walked along, I could hear him shouting at the person behind me as well, and I really had to ask myself what this fellow was all about. Does he think he's doing good, yelling at anyone who'll listen to smile? What if I was indeed on my way to a wake? Does he think he's helping or harming society? How did his ears get like that?

My only regret was that I was not on point with my camera, and was unable to get a shot off of this fella. I walked (against my intentions) all the way around the pond to try and pass him again, but I guess he had had enough of berating strangers into enjoying his idea of an ideal world.

Maybe I'll keep up with the pond walks. I've got a pretty good scowl going on...

Monday, July 7, 2008

Potential Titles And Subjects For My Brand New Blog

Lifted directly from my actual life:

How to answer strangers that ask the following: "That's a nice piece of pussy, yeah?"

If midgets are going to jaywalk, they should have those tall fiberglass orange flags attached to them.

What to do after riding your bike through poo.

What is the protocol for tipping when your waiter/ess abandons his/her post?

An etiquette guide for informing your neighbor that
a) you don't give a rat's ass about their offspring, and in fact,
b) you strongly dislike said offspring for its ability to rouse you from sleep at 8am sharp on sunday morning.

A DIY guide for when your auto mechanic tells you, "Eh, just rip it off. It's not really important."

Suggestions from Nancie, each with valid merit:

"America's Sweetheart"
"I Drive A Monster Truck"
"The Machinist"
"Sidewalk Chalk"
"King Of America"

Tune in next week to see which contestants move forward, and which one goes home, crying like a little bitch...

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