Sunday, January 8, 2012

Also, I Am Eating A Sandwich

A place for what I consider to be some of my gems from Twitter and Facebook status updates. In no particular order:

I ♥ nihilism!

I bought a pan in Reno, just to watch him fry.

When pigs fly, swine flu.

1337 haiku: a/s/l? omg! gtfo! lmao

Mark Sandman is dead yet all 4 founding members of Motley Crue continue to draw breath on this earth.

Ceiling Cat has called in sick today, so, like, go crazy and stuff.

Take the "How Sexy Are You?" Quiz! My score: 147% Sexy.

I'm the most spectacular failure since the introduction of the McEwok...

I dont think I will ever grow tired of hearing very young children swearing.

Hair cuts come and go. A waffle iron is forever.

Cold Hard Facts: Not Good. Throbbing Hard Facts: Even Worse.

Machoccino: the drink for men.

"I swear on my baby-mama's grave, those are not my drugs." #heardonCops

Did they test viagra on lab animals? The thought of a rat with a boner makes me sad.

Masturbating in a snuggie is some varsity-level shit. #snuggie

Are those space pants? Because I'm a premature ejaculator #candyheartrejects

March is National Women's History Month, and I'd like to let all the lovely women in my life know that I appreciate you broads.

EPIC HOMO #knuckletats

"That's not hot glue..." #sexyartsandcrafts

It seems wasteful to buy a burrito just to stick my dick in it. #lonely

Mom's got more friends than me on FB. #notigerbloodhereIguess

Did I Invent the word "cliteratti"? God I hope so.

This is not the cheerleader pile I paid for #trappedunderalog

You kiss your mom with that vagina?

Tonight me and my Asian-American gang The Guidos are playing our weekly game of Find The Bottle Of Pee.

Today is National Put Your Balls On Things Day #putyourballsonthingsday

Life's been pretty great since I gave up hope.

Can anybody tell me, what's the past-tense of badonk-a-donk?

"Boy, is my face red." - Johnny The Beet-faced Boy

I'm doing really great in my Spanish class! I made the Honor Raoul!

These avacado boots are made for guacin'.

This lululemon bag really comes off as smug and bossy. You're not in charge, bag.

Being a guy is great. At this point, "dressing up" means not having barbeque sauce on my shirt.

I didn't get many trick-or-treaters last night, so I'm going to go for a drive in the van and give out the rest of my candy that way.

When you're a juggalo, every day is Halloween. And your candy is meth.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see the Das Boot reboot.

Please refer to me by my outdoorsy rapper name: LL Bean J.

If this whole "working" thing doesn't pan out, I can always fall back on my first career writing lesbian erotica.

I'm going to start a dating website for dummies called OKStupid.

Anybody feel like wanging-chung tonight?

Salad dressing shall henceforth be referred to as Veggie Lube.

The best thing that happened to me today was hearing Werner Herzog say the word."woozy".

Little known historical fact: Benjamin Franklin accidentally invented the pot-belly stove while trying to make the world's first sex doll.

Cats don't like wasabi. I learned something today.

A diamond is forever. And so is herpes.

Careful out there, peeps. This snow is heavy and wet. Just like yo mamma.

April is Child Abuse Prevention month. I'd like to let you all know that I was a battered child. I was never deep-fried, but the threat was always there.

I put the stink in distinction.

I wonder why nobody has responded to my Puppy Awards Party Evite?

Times are tough. So to make some extra money I've decided I'm going to pawn my air guitar. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I didn't realize how much practice goes into it.

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