One of the best things about trying to form a band is coming up with a name for your new outfit. How can you convey the message, the essence of your band in just a few characters? Sex Pistols. Minor Threat. Abba. These names tell you right up front what is about to be blasted from the speakers. It's an art, really, finding a perfect circle. I mean, match.
I've long since given up on playing music, though I love it dearly. But I still like coming up with band names. So here are some imaginary bands I've played air-drums in:
After writing this post, I thought I would follow up in a different vein. After reading, someone told me I was a very indie-rock kind of guy, and I suppose it's true to an extent. But I'd hate to come across as smug as I think I sound. Who am I to judge all these talented, hard-working artists? So, in order to take myself down a peg, I herein present a list of songs that I absolutely love, but am embarrassed to admit to even liking.
Bob Seger "Turn The Page"
Everything about this song tells me I should hate it, but I get this song pleasurably stuck in my head with alarming frequency. It's Bob Seger, for crying out loud! The same guy that wrote "Old Time Rock and Roll", a song which makes me shudder. Reasons I should dislike this tune: It's a "road tune", and a storytelling song, two qualities that usually have me scrambling for the radio dial. The saxophone at the beginning should send me fleeing from the room. Once upon a time I kinda liked jazz, and then I suddenly decided to abhor it. The sax is unfortunate collateral damage in that exchange. I shouldn't have a problem with an instrument in and of itself, but because it is so closely tied in with the genre, I can't bring myself to enjoy it. Even the fact that Metallica once covered this song can't erase my like of it.
Christopher Cross "Ride Like The Wind"
I blame my parents for this one. We had a vinyl copy of Chris Cross's self-titled album, and, having little else to listen to, I clung to this one. The rhythm is infectious, and the story line about a badass loner outlaw was very appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that the Godfather of Yacht-Rock, Michael McDonald, sings his smooth-talkin' backing vocals on it. Awesome.
Foreigner "Cold As Ice"
I know. I know. But I can't help myself. You can't really hear it in this live version, but I love the keyboard in the second verse. Neeer Ne Neer Ne Neer Neer Neer Neeeerrrr.... And those vocal harmonies?! Forget about it. I love it. Too bad nothing else Foreigner ever did was this good. If had to judge the quality and value of Foreigner as a band based solely on hearing this one song, knowing nothing about any other tunes, I would nominate them for legend status. It's that good.
Elton John "Tiny Dancer"
This is another one I can blame on my parents. We had a copy of Madman Across The Water laying about, and I still like it. It's a very solid album. I like a lot of Sir Elton's work, right up until about the time of "Candle In The Wind" (yuck!). "Crocodile Rock"? Awesome. Even into the 80's "I'm Still Standing" was on heavy rotation in the early days of MTV, and I was way into it. I still hear "Rocket Man" on a semi-regular basis, and quite enjoy it.
Ram Jam "Black Betty"
This has to be the greatest (by which I mean worst) video ever made. I loved this song til I saw the tools who wrote it. Did they film this in one of the band member's dad's backyard? The bass player is the gayest looking tool I've ever seen, and what the hell is going on with the guy standing to the left? Somebody give that guy a tambourine, for crying out loud. At least then he would give the appearance of being a somewhat productive member of the band. Instead he's the band cheerleader. Yes. The fact that this song finds itself played at a lot of sporting events takes it down a notch, but I don't think you can deny its awesomeness.
Well there you have it. I'm out of the musical closet. Point and laugh if you must. I can take it. I'm sure there are more gems like these to make me look funny, and I'll post them as they come to me.
First they came for theDance-punks. and I did not speak out because I was not a Dance-punk. Then they came for the Emo kids and I did not speak out because I was not an Emo kid. Then they came for the Screamos and I did not speak out because I was not Screamo. Then they came for me and there was no one left, except for Nu-Metal, and I think that shit sucks...
You've most likely thrown yourself under the FaceBook juggernaut. If so, you're probably aware of these viral lists that everyone feels the need to make. Not long ago the "25 Things About Me" sensation caused quite a stir on the 'Book and found itself being discussed in popular media. Seems lately the big buzz floats around the "50 bands" discussion, in which one recounts 50 acts one has seen in concert. I signed on, because I love music, but afterward I was left feeling incomplete. Surely there is more to seeing a show than just SEEING the show, so I sent back and annotated my list. The thoughts are completely subjective, my own self-important opinions, with corresponding supporting information/media.
I herein present my list, with notes. Perhaps you have your own list. Perhaps you were at one of these shows with me.
50 BANDS, WITH NOTES
OK, here are the rules. Test your memory and your love of live music by listing 50 artists or bands (or as many as you can remember) you've seen in concert. List the first 50 acts that come into your head. An act you saw at a festival and opening acts count, but only if you can't think of 50 other artists. Oh, and list the first concert you ever saw (you can remember that, can’t you)?
Should you choose this challenge, here's what you do: Copy my note. Click on “notes” under tabs on your profile page. Select "write a new note" in the top corner. Paste the copy in the body of the note. Make your list. Change the number at the top, and add your title. Once you've saved, don't forget to tag friends (including me) on the right.
* Denotes multiples
1.OZZY!(first concert. won tickets off the radio) I was excited as hell to be going to my FIRST CONCERT EVAR, but even then, in the late 80's, Ozzy was frail and kinda ridiculous. Still, wouldn't trade it for the world.
2.Anthrax Opened up for Ozzy. Technically cheating, I know, but WTF. I was a way bigger fan of these guys. I still love their cover of "Bring The Noize".
3.Jane's Addiction Yeah... I'm embarrassed to say this, but I actually used a line from Perry in my high school yearbook: "You gotta be driven by passion, man. That way know one can own you." Thanks, rockstar. Tell that to my student loan officer and my car loan. Dick.
4.Metallica Somebody actually tried to steal my shoes at this show. While I was wearing them. And sober. This was long before I decided I hate Metallica, after they had come out so forcefully against Napster. The hatred just got deeper from then on.
5.Jethro Tull Not my fault. Somebody had an extra ticket, offered it to me, then had the balls to ask me for money at the end of the night. People: you gotta put the money thing out front, otherwise this list would contain 49 bands.
6.Mighty Mighty Bosstones Freshman in college. Jumped on stage and broke my hand diving off.
7.Chucklehead Again... freshman. Nobody knows who this band is. My buddy, working the door, gave this 18 year-old a booze bracelet, and I got Wah-Hasted. And danced. I remember peeing on my school, claiming my tuition gave me the right.
8.Frank Black Saw this show with Pollard, and it was the most drunken, surly, border-line violent crowd I had ever seen. Given another half hour to wait and drink, I'm sure this could have turned into a riot. We bailed early. I saw all the songs I wanted to see.
9.Skeleton Key These guys were awesome. Saw this one with Joel. If you haven't heard their first record, do yourself a favor. Their second, not so much.
10.Shellac Again with the Joel. These guys walked a maddening line between awesome RAWK and irritating, drawn out, slowed-down wankery. I would definitely think twice about seeing them again.
11.Clutch* Some shows were awesome, some were mediocre. One of my favorite bands, still cranking out records today.
12.Red Hot Chili Peppers* The first time I saw RHCP was a free show at UNH, shortly after "Mother's Milk" had been released. It was outdoors, and pretty fucking awesome. Between songs, Flea clutched to an amp stack and puked his guts out, then played the next song like a 4 string possessed. Amazing, since once I puke, I'm out. John did a beautiful rendition of the chorus to "Tiny Dancer" between songs, which got booed by a dude wearing a backwards baseball hat, thus fermenting such fashion statements to a position of hatred in my mind forever. The second time I saw them was at Lollapasellout, and my appreciation for them has been steadily declining ever since.
Come to think of it, the following 3 acts were also seen at that "event/marketing extravaganza", so I'll keep my comments short and pointless.
13.Pearl Jam Still like these guys. Sometimes.
14.Soundgarden Superunknown is the only thing worth listening to by these guys. Some may say that none of it is, and I couldn't really argue.
15.Ministry Fell asleep on the grass during their set. Back to the single shows:
16.Death Cab For Cutie Thus begins the Me-Or-Someone-Had-Free-Tickets-So-I-Went (MOSHFTSIW) bands. Once upon a time I liked Death Cab, and then they kept putting out records, and I realized I hated the singer's voice.
17.The Black Keys* Without fail an amazing show. Every time.
19.Smog See #17 and multiply that by pi, slap a vagina on it and propose.
20.Gogol Bordello It's a rare thing for me to dance. It's also a rare thing for me to go to a show for a band of which I know nothing. Check, and Czech.
21.Man Man Holy hardest working band in show business! I took Nancie to this one, after she had just stepped off a 27-hour, epic-scope plane ride. She may have been a little too woozy to enjoy it, but she still claimed she had seen Jesus during this set. See for yourself:
22.Be Your Own Pet MOSHFTSIW: Saw these guys after their first record release, when every one was air-humping and proclaiming "Thurston Moore Approved!!!" Yes, they are VERY young. Yes, she is VERY hot. Yes, I agree, it's not that great.
24.Sunset Rubdown Pretty awesome band, too bad they just released a record that I knew nothing about and only played songs from that. Still, good stuff. This tune is great:
27.Fucking Champs Saw them open for Trans Am, not a huge fan, but sometimes people like stuff.
28.Trans Am See above. Saw these guys play at Garment District (huh?), and they were fairly amazing, and someone threw a stuffed animal onstage and got hooked on the bass head for at least 4 minutes. It's the little things...
29.Ho-Ag Spazz rock, awesomeness:
30.Neptune* See above, but played on handmade junk:
31.Lightning Bolt Holy shit this night was amazing. The venue was a Massart iron-pour on Halloween, smoke and fire framed the courtyard, artschool costumes are the best, and LB blew that shit out. Chris brought a pint of whisky and drank it like water while I sipped PBR tall-boys:
32.Future Of The Left The last show I saw. I was embarrassingly excited to be an old man going out to a rawk show. They didn't disappoint.
33.Rye Coalition Opened up for Shellac. Hated them, but love them on record. Odd, I know.
34.Afghan Whigs Awesome show. They played for 2.5 hours, then took a break and came out and played hours of Motown covers.
Who is that guy introducing the band??
35.Parts And Labor I was very excited to see this show. Their song "A great divide" is one of the most psycho drum bits ever. Unluckily for me, they had just brought on a new drummer who was... timid. At best. Their follow-up record was pretty good as well.
36.The Mars Volta Along with #37, these 2 were the bastard step children of one of the most amazing bands ever, At The Drive-In. I want to travel back in time and give myself an atomic wedgie every time I think I had had the opportunity to see ATDI but failed. Stupid! However, since these two split, it was clear to see where each song-writing group had contributed to the band. Once they split, they both kinda sucked in a unique way. When the first Mars Volta record came out, it got my swift nomination for Album of the Year. Then I saw them live. Ugh. See the previous entry on Shellac: Huge, frantic tornadoes of amazing rock interspersed with spaced-out, self-indulgent pap. Awful. I know a band is bad when my feet start to hurt from standing still. This band had me thinking positively about amputation.
37.Sparta Part B to entry #36.
38.Thursday Headlined for #37. I've never seen a crowd so violently erupt on note #1. Unfortunately, those fans have awful taste.
39.Constantines Awesome. From Canada, took the stage with hockey sticks. Irony?!
40.Deerhoof Played at MIT, and I had to have a sponsor to get me, an outsider, in. Haughty eggheads... Deerhoof was amazing! The drummer was indistinguishable at one point, he was thrashing so hard. And the singer was a pint-sized dynamo.
41.Dismemberment Plan I brought my friend Jane, and she was put off by the singer, who, according to her, thought he was way sexier than he really was. But don't take my word for it:
42.Drive-By Truckers Just got off the plane from Europe, was blown out by the southern rawk.
43.Mr. Bungle Fairly great. Someone groped me in the crowd.
44.Kings Of Leon MOSHFTSIW. Good set. Short.
45.Yeah Yeah Yeahs Free show at City Hall Plaza. I wonder how successful they would be if Karen O weren't so hot...?
46.Morphine Free show at the Hatch Shell. It kills me that Mark Sandman is dead and yet all four members of Motley Crue continue to draw breath on this earth.
47.Portishead Ran into my former drug dealer just before the show. We hung out in back and traded round for round. Didn't pay much attention to the performance.
Sometimes I think I've been cursed. I'll get an idea, or an image stuck in my head and I can't get it out. The stuck songs are the worst. Very rarely will I get a song stuck in my head that I actually like. Usually, it's a song I hate, or worse, a jingle, as in the time late last year when I had this insidious tune from a commercial by that awful scam FreeCreditReport.com lodged in my brain, playing on endless loop for at least three weeks. I felt my grip on reality loosening. I wanted to jab a sharpened stick into my ear and extricate these poppy demons. I guess that's what sucessful marketing is all about. You be the judge:
So following is a list of just a few songs that I seem to get wedged into the gears of my mind on a regular basis, and whatever inane mutterings I care to add about said song.
1. Blinded by the Light.
I actually don't really hate this song. I just find it repeating Ad Nauseum recently. I suppose it's my own fault, as, when I heard it recently, I began "writing" a parody version of it. It's called "Goddamn those pants are tight", and I really didn't get much further than that. It goes a little something like this, or something:
Goddamn those pants are tight! Dressed up like a douche you know that you're a hipster, right?
Goddamn those pants are tight! Dressed up like a douche big sunglasses at night?
Goddamn those pants are tight! Dressed up like a douche have you got your bangs done right?
2. The Joker.
Again, this is another example of me trying to entertain myself by inventing parody lyrics to this awful, awful song. Where Steve Miller writes:
I really love your peaches Want to shake your tree Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time Ooo-eee baby, Ill sure show you a good time
I go:
Really like canned peaches Diet Coke is caffeine free Huggy huggy in a Snuggie it costs $12.95 Ooowee baby, buy a Corona, get a lime...
Also, I genuinely hate this song.
3. Dude Looks Like a Lady
This one is the worst. THE WORST! I hate this song for its insidious ability to lodge itself so tenaciously in my brain for HOURS, usually right before I decide to take a nap. Man! Once upon a time, Aerosmith was actually a pretty good band. Toys In The Attic was a great record, IMO. But this is the absolute nadir of midlife mediocrity. Self-indulgent crap. I fucking hate this song, as well as this era of music in general. It just serves as further proof that, as a band, once you stop doing drugs, you start sucking.
Stay tuned, misanthropic hipsters, more to follow.
My first real job when I moved to Boston was at a one-hour photomat called Moto Photo. The thing that makes the job crappy was that I was paid probably about $6.25 per hour, but other than that, it was kind of an awesome gig. Plus, take it away, Def Leppard!
One of my main jobs was quality control/packaging. The process was fairly automated. Rolls of film were fed into a machine that spit out developed negatives. These were then put into a machine that exposed the negatives onto a giant roll of photographic paper. It was carried, through rolls and conveyors through development chemicals, and spat out at the other side of the machine into neatly cut 4x6 photographs. My job was to collect the piles of photos, look through the entire stack to make sure the colors and alignment were correct, then package the prints in envelopes with the negatives and file them into bins alphabetically for the clients.
On one hand, this experience warped my perceptions for all eternity: I cannot look through a stack of photographs the way a normal person can. I look at them in a rapid-fire manner, scrutinizing for color balance, exposure, etc. I take in what I'm seeing, although it doesn't look like it to the proud owner of the prints. More than once I've heard, "You're not even looking at them!"
But I am. I am.
Working in a place like this, you experience the joy and wonder and good times vicariously. I've been three steps removed from weddings, births, vacations, parties, reunions, sporting events, concerts, celebrity sightings, you name it. This was also the days before digital cameras. We had a number of repeat clients, people I saw several times a week. Insurance companies, galleries, Realtors all needed photographic documentation often. So I got to know some of our regulars. Every once in a while, one of them would have a couple frames left on a roll, and would snap off shots just to fill it out before dropping off. I've seen a number of wife-boobs due to these thrifty urges.
On the subject of naked people: I've seen A LOT of them. I did not ask for or seek out the exposure of nakedness. I simply punched a clock, and voila! Naked people. It's not so bad. I went to art school, after all. I've seen naked people. I've even drawn them.
On one day in particular, I was leafing through photos at my usual breakneck speed. I picked up a stack that looked a lot like a number I had seen before: The College Keg Party, known primarily for the proliferation of red keg cups, baseball caps, and chummy, arms-around-shoulders, cups-hoisted head shots. One girl in particular was featured in a majority of the shots. It became clear, in retrospect, that this girl owned the film at hand, and posed in most of the frames. These were run-of-the-mill pics, boring, really. Until the last few shots. These featured our young lady, pants down, leaning back on a bed with what can only be described as a Huge Apparatus inserted into her lady-bits, with a look on her face like the one that most people reserve for riding on an awesome roller coaster. If this photo could speak, it would say, "WOOOO HOOOO HOOOO!"
Somewhat amused, I nudged my friend Dan, "Hey, heh. Check it out."
Time passes. I'm packaging, Dan is working the counter. I hear a girl's voice, here to pick up #3497. Dan digs in the bin near me, retrieves an envelope, places it on the counter and takes the money. She asks, "Do you guys look at these pictures?" I say, without looking up, "Yeah, sometimes we pass 'em around," to look up and see that girl, aghast. She turns crimson, does an about-face, and bolts from the store.
Whoops! Sorry... She should have gone with a Polaroid.
Stay tuned for Part IIIa: "Way More Excessive Porno Than Even I Can Tolerate In The Work Place."
Bored at work, I started cataloging all of my brushes with famous people. I asked around, and nobody had any interesting experiences, except for the boss. He went to a concert with Boz Scaggs' younger brother. How cool is that? Not really, I know.
My earliest memory of a brush with fame was shaking hands with Sugar Ray Leonard at a boxing match at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. I still think it's kinda neat, even though at the time, I really didn't understand who he was.
Along the boxing vein, a later brush with "fame" was when "Hurricane" Peter McNeely asked me for directions on Newbury Street once. He had recently got his ass whooped by Mike Tyson, and I was more than a little amused to have a run-in with him.
Also, at the same job, Curtis Armstrong came in to the store and bought a vest. Don't know who Curtis is? He's more commonly known for the tagline "We've got bush!" in Revenge of the Nerds. That's right. Booger. Or Charles DeMar from Better Off Dead: "This entire mountain is made of snow!"
A couple doors down from that job was another job at a cafe where I had the following brushes with fame: Greg Hawkes was a regular, and a pretty nice guy. Don't know who he was? Me neither, at the time. He was the keyboard player for The Cars.
I served coffee to Joe Perry at one point. He seemed a little freaked out to be among the commoners. It was too quick an exchange to get any sense of Joe's coolness. Also, once at the airport I saw the bass player for Aerosmith.
Recently I came within feet of the tiniest Dixie Chick. They had pretty tight security. I found out that one of the Dixie Chicks owns a monkey that she takes on tour with her. It's true.
Also, through the same friend, I got into the green room of E-40 and his posse. Don't know who 40 is? Stay there. He's a hardly marginally talented rapper. And he's a DICK. And so are his hangers-on.
The brush that I'm kind of ashamed with took place in Denver, when I ran into Charles Lewton-Brain.
He's a jeweler and sculptor who writes little books on techniques, tricks, and shortcuts. A big writer/teacher, he writes great articles about steamlining one's workspace, and lo-fi techniques. I've been an avid reader of his books and articles, and really respected his knowledge. I ran into him at a conference and was rendered nearly speechless. It was pathetic.
My coolest brushes took place over a weekend recently. I found myself having breakfast in the same room as Mean Gene Okerlund. Fucking badass.
I'm way over it now, but I was a fan of WWF as a wee kid, and Mean Gene was the voice of it. Also, on that same day, I got within two feet of Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster. If seeing Gene was a big deal, Hogan was like walking by Elvis. I also saw a bunch of superstars of the modern fake-pro-wrestling, but don't give a crap about it, so I didn't recognize any of them, aside to say that it was filled with Huge Dudes, and Smokin hot chicks.
Also, living in Boston affords some odd perks: I sat on the orange line opposite former presidential candidate Mike Dukakkis once.
(*no caption necessary)
Walking with Pollard in Kenmore Square, he claimed that we had just walked past Frank Black, but I wasn't paying attention, so I can't confirm that one.
I used to do a lot of 4-tracking, home recordings where I pretty much played everything. In the early days it was pretty rough, because I could barely play the guitar, even though I had been doing it for over a decade, let alone bass or drums or keyboards. Four tracking uses cassette tapes in one direction. Rather than side A and side B, it uses tracks tracks 1 through 4, two tracks out of the right channel, and two from the left.
When I first recorded the drums I had to do it in two tracks: The kickdrum and snare in one, the cymbals in the other. It was pretty bad. I titled my first record (and I use that term loosely)"Foray Into Incompetence," and that's exactly what it was. But it was a lot of fun. I enjoyed making the album artwork, dubbing copies and giving them to my friends.
One of the greatest moments of my life occured in Paris in 1998, when some of my music found its way onto a soundtrack for a Mens Week fashion show. I had never heard it played SO LOUD in my life. It could be heard, no lie, from over a hundred yards away. It was awesome.
Today I found a couple masters from those days, and as I'm listening I've got a huge grin plastered over my face. From a critical standpoint, it's pretty bad, but it was a blast to make, and I can remember what was going through my head during each one, what time of day it was, what the weather was like, if not how to play any of it.
I was picked up a few times for my friend Darryl's Black Apple compilations, which was pretty cool, as I was rubbing elbows with a bunch of the people that I had looked up to when I started recording, people who were infinitely more talented than I was.
A couple weeks ago at work I dozed off during my lunch break and had a dream that one of my records had been selected as one of Rolling Stone's Top 10 Albums Of All Time. And when I woke up I swear I had a huge erection.
Those days are gone now. I finally realized I wasn't very good at it, and that my focus was better off directed elsewhere. But I'm glad I've still got these tapes.
