Laundry Hitlist

Yesterday, while rooting through some old papers, I ran across this piece of paper that I had written for myself some time ago. How long ago is a matter of debate. This document was written in order to help "thin the herd" as I call it, and reduce the copious amounts of clothes that I own, and therefore the amount of laundry I would need to do. Throwing out old clothes rather than washing them is similar yet diametrically opposed to my other habit of buying new socks or underpants rather than haul the dirty ones to the laundromat. Cracking myself up from the past, I now present:

LAUNDRY HITLIST:

-Any shirt turned pink due to laundry mishap

-Socks with the following attributes:
*Owns holes
*Discolored
*Itchy
*Having not maintained true love [no match]

-Pants no longer able to be comfortably buttoned
(Get over it. They're not coming back.)

-Worn out workpants.
(Let them retire with a modicum of dignity)

-Ill-fitting suit/sport jackets

-Lame and/or ill-fitting shirts

-Anything not utilized in 8 months or more
(exemption: exclusively seasonal clothes, to be filed accordingly)

-Anything that is fashionably unconscionable
(exemption: the "Male Chauvinist Pig" and "Beaver" ties)

I should note that the "Male Chauvinist Pig" tie features a pattern of pig's asses with the letters "MCP" on it as well. The "Beaver" tie is somewhat more subtle, but at the same time, kind of not. I've saved these two items, even though I've not worn them once since this list was implemented.



On the back of this list, perhaps seizing on "less-is-more" fever, is written this:

HITLIST: OTHERS:

-Lame ass books

-Studio trash

-Living room clutter

-Old porno

-Outdated (Tchotchkes)

-Landline

-Empty boxes

-Used envelopes/folders

-Magazine offers (except Playboy)

I've tried to wrap my head around what, exactly, was meant by "Outdated (Tchotchkes)". Obviously, Tchotchkes refers to random trinkets I have laying around. What makes them "outdated," though is beyond me. It seems that by definition these things are outdated, regardless of how old they are.

I'm also amused by my desire to replace Old Porno with New Playboys.

The Default Hot Chick

I've noticed in certain social situations a phenomenon that I've come to label as the Default Hot Chick Situation.

In this day and age of gender equality, one thing perhaps has yet to be addressed: the fact that guys want to take their clothes off and rub against chicks. Or dudes, I guess. But I can only speak from experience here, and I haven't had a whole lot of dude-rubbing urges. At least not lately.

The way the Default Hot Chick situation works is thus: In any situation there are bound to be some participants of the female variety. By nature, one of these females are to be perceived as more attractive than others. That female becomes, through no fault of her own, the Default Hot Chick. I suppose some Sociologists could have field day with these assertions. (Since I'm a sociological layman, I can only hope that there are countless tomes already penned in this vein.)

For instance: Where I cemented this theory was a job I had straight out of college. Three women worked in this place, two of which were in their fifties, one of which was almost as equally wide as she was tall. (She was very short, and worked in the basement, where the ceiling barely cleared my head) The other Cinco-genarian wore enough perfume to be recognized from 15 feet away with one's eyes closed.

The Default Hot Chick (or DHC, as she will henceforth be known) was in her mid-20's, not unattractive, yet not really a stunner. And yet I found myself wildly drawn to her. Not in an inappropriate sense. I'm a professional, and can separate my job from my throbbing biological urges. (Oh there is a huge story to illustrate this last bit forthcoming) But nevertheless, she was the only show in town, as it were.

I don't mean to be a jerk in writing this. I'm not a "Bro". I'm merely setting up, through an anecdote from my adultivity, an experience from when I was a pre-pubescent pup, and the weirdness that can grip a boy, or a man, and can make him act in irrational, sometimes comically bizarre fashion. More to follow.